I'm a Fish? - Space Janitors: Episode Eight [Official HD Version]

NARRATOR: Previously on "Space Janitors."
DARBY RICHARDS: I'm going to be somebody someone's going to
want to shoot at.
MIKE CHET: Yeah, but it's the janitor right
here, though, right?
DARBY RICHARDS: I'm in the middle of a career change.
[HOVERING SOUNDS]
[LASER FIRE]

MIKE CHET: Guys, Dark Lord.
Pure badass.
DARBY RICHARDS: Wait, so there's an opening on Deck
Crew?
-Is that one of those laser swords?
-They must be rebels.
Blast them.
DARBY AND MIKE: Oh no, no!
-Rebel.
[LAUGHTER]
Pew, pew, pew, pew!
DARBY RICHARDS: That's the rebel plan
to attack the station.
LN6-K: You just ordered the invasion of an entire planet
with only 1,500 men.
DARBY RICHARDS: The more they disobey the Emperor, the more
we tighten our grip.
And the more we tighten our grip, the more systems will be
firmly held in our massive space hand.
[LASER FIRE]
-I was sent here by your father, Admiral Gul Desac.
DARBY RICHARDS: My dad's a rebel?
NARRATOR: And now, the conclusion.
[MUSIC PLAYING]

[ELECTRONIC NOISE]
[COMPUTER SOUNDS]

DARBY RICHARDS: Hello?
LN6-K: Son.
DARBY RICHARDS: Father?
GUL DESAC: I am your father.
DARBY RICHARDS: No, that's not true.
That's impossible.
GUL DESAC: Search your feelings.
DARBY RICHARDS: No.
GUL DESAC: Look, son.
I anticipated this would be hard for you to believe.
DARBY RICHARDS: Yeah, because you're totally--
GUL DESAC: Charismatic?
DARBY RICHARDS: No you're--
GUL DESAC: So inspiring and successful?
I can explain all of this, son.
When the Empire came to assimilate my planet, I led
the rebellion.
But I was forced to abandon my family.
To hide you from the Empire, you were genetically modified
as a baby to mismatch your DNA from your mother and me.
Many of the biological traits you would have inherited were
erased for your own safety.
Just to be sure, we even gave you a race transplant.
DARBY RICHARDS: Wait.
So I'm a fish?
GUL DESAC: Yes, you were born a fish.
Now, don't worry, my son.
There are ways to restore you to your natural genetic
origin, but it takes time and is incredibly painful.
DARBY RICHARDS: But I like who I am.

GUL DESAC: Like who I am?
No offense, son, but we put a lot of crap in your genes.
We know the Empire would be looking for a born leader.
Someone who knows when to take the initiative, someone with
his father's good looks.
Now more than ever, I need to reach out to
you with the truth.
I'm afraid that is all I can tell you.
I know it is hard for you to hear, son, but you must make
your way to the nearest rebel system.

[VACUUM SOUNDS]

-Stop, you rebel scum!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[LASER FIRE]

LONE REBEL: What's your name?
DARBY RICHARDS: Uh.
Darby.
LONE REBEL: OK, I've already forgotten that, so I'm going
to call you Janitor.
So Janitor, people like me and people like you have an
understanding.
You do your thing and I do mine.
As the old saying goes, "I don't show up at your job and
blast the dicks out of your mouth." Do you know why I
don't blast the dicks from out of your mouth?

DARBY RICHARDS: Because there are no dicks in my mouth?
LONE REBEL: Are you sure?
DARBY RICHARDS: Yeah.
LONE REBEL: You'd better check, just to be sure.

DARBY RICHARDS: There are no dicks in my mouth.
LONE REBEL: No, you know what?
Just let me explain something to you, OK?
When I'm in my Raptor, and I'm screaming
through the Crux Nebula.
And I'm dropping out of warp nine right in the middle of an
Imperial fleet.
And blasters are lighting up all over the place.
And I'm busting crazy hacks on deflector shields and crash
landing in your hangar bay and just ejecting right through
the blast doors.
And I'm taking out squalls left and right.
You know what the best part is to me?

Seeing that shine.
These pristine Imperial floors.
Man, you guys, you keep a clean space station.
That subtle pine scent just makes my day.

DARBY RICHARDS: Thanks.
LONE REBEL: Hey, man.
I just want you to know that i really, really appreciate what
you're doing here.

Keep up the good work, Janitor.

Although here's an idea.
You don't trip rebels and we don't kill janitors.
[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SWINGING CLUB]

DARBY RICHARDS: Hey Mike.
You remember what it's like to live on a planet?
MIKE CHET: Yeah, sure.
Dirt and all that.

DARBY RICHARDS: I always hated my home planet.
When I was a kid, I lived with my aunt.
Or at least I thought she was my aunt.
She ran a moisture farm out of the desert, which I always
told her was really stupid, running a
moisture farm in the desert.
I would've done anything to get off that rock, and one
sure way to see the galaxy?
Sign up and work for the Imperial fleet.
[SWINGING CLUB]
DARBY RICHARDS: Three years later, still a janitor.
What do I have to show for it?
MIKE CHET: Three squares and 80 credits a day.
Plus unlimited golf balls while supplies left.

DARBY RICHARDS: Here we are travelling the galaxy, but
we're still trapped in this cage, blowing up planets.
[SWINGING CLUB]
MIKE CHET: Dude, hit your ball.
Let's go get some mush.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[THUMP]

-Next season on "Learning Town!"
[MUSIC PLAYING]