Episode 7: The Great Vampsby (Vampire Zombie Werewolf)


Uploaded by KatrPictures on 04.04.2011

Transcript:
♪ dramatic music ♪
( rumbling )
( chime )
♪ dramatic music ♪
♪ exciting music ♪
( chime )
♪ eerie music ♪
Hors d'oeuvres?
♪ cello ♪
♪ party music ♪
All right... We didn't get our web show idea ready in time,
but that could be a blessing in disguise.
I mean, look. Could you ask for a better focus group?
What is this?
Glad you could make it, Zane.
Balthazane.
You know, Tad, I have made myself perfectly clear.
I have no more interest in any of your... stunts.
Oh, no no no. This isn't a stunt. This is the producing partner I told you about.
- This is Zane. - Balthazane!
He has a very popular web show review blog. Very influential.
Blog. It's really so much more than a blog.
It's a website wherein I post small essays containing my opinions and observations.
Mostly about web shows. This is gonna be a great partnership.
"Vampire Umpires"? His.
"Little Crypt on the Prairie"? His.
I know those shows!
Didn't you also do "Zombie Coroner" and "Wereanauts"?
Let me ask you something, critic to...
Don't you think your little shows would have been so much more interesting if they had been,
oh, I don't know, "Vampire Coroner" or "Vampanauts"?
Why don't you go mingle?
( party sounds )
We've already come up with nearly a dozen great ideas, all of them vampire-based.
What are they?
Um...
All it takes is a little bit of inspiration and a phone book.
In fact, the best is yet to come.
Very fresh. If you'd like to sample...
Oooh!
Tad: Thanks for your help getting everyone here.
You're always a man of your word.
Vampire of my word.
I could never have gotten them all to show up.
After your last party, of course not.
That was 19 years ago.
Nineteen human years. It may as well have been last week.
And, uh...
Thanks for you? discretion with the whole zombie werewolf thing.
Tad, I am absolutely serious. This is your last chance.
If you fail to impress, I can't vouch for you ever again.
People already think I'm crazy.
Fail to impress? Hey!
Zane old friend, this is gonna be the most exciting party you guys see all year.
( party music and vampires murmuring )
Hmm. Yeah.
Bunny: No really, it couldn't be any more fresh. I get it delivered.
Then you must use Butcher Pete's. He brings it straight from the shop.
Oh, no, I prefer something a little more fresh. Cut on premises.
You mean right here?
I've never heard of such a service. Who do you use?
UPS, FedEx, various take-out restaurants, Mormons,
and, once a year,
the Girl Scouts.
( soft groan )
♪ party music ♪
Laurenthia: Well hello. Looks like real drinks have arrived.
Hmm. A little stiff, don't you think?
Martini?
Yes, sweet. I'll have it...
...shaken.
( loud hissing )
Okay. So this is our chance.
Uh, I'm gonna go casually collect a little market research and you see what you can find out.
If we vampires are so fashionable, why am I the only one in L.A. who shows up late?
Howie?
Holy shit, man. How long has it been?
I haven't seen you since you moved to the day shift.
You're a vampire now. So the blood-suckers finally got you?
I told you to stop going to the Web meet-ups.
I... uh...
Dag. You're still mortal.
And you're just sitting here, untouched?
Weird shit.
You're a vampire?
Well, I'm not here for the refreshments.
I never knew.
Well, we're really good at blending in. But the clues are there if you have a keen eye.
( whooshing sound )
Howie: Hey bud.
Can you sign this and pass it along?
( office noises )
Howie: Uh, and if you can pitch in a couple bucks,
we got Marcy a manicure at Cuticle City.
Cake's at midnight. Red velvet.
( hiss )
Tim! Hey, uh, d'you have a sec?
( whooshing sound )
I'm a vampire amidst the corporate zombies.
♪ party music ♪
I prefer to mix everything by hand.
Oh, how very smart of you then to wear an apron.
I mean, you wouldn’t want to stain that charming little dress.
It must have cost a fortune.
Oh! This old thing? I’ve had it forever. At least since the ’80s.
Ooooh! Almost 30 years. Mercy.
This old thing I’m wearing dates back to the Italian Renaissance.
I got this old thing in 18th century Prague.
Oh, my word, we’re so old fashioned!
Just a pair of fuddy-duddies.
( laughter )
( long sigh )
Bunny: Hmm.
( mixing bowl sounds )
...So when Sandra returns from her mother's funeral, Randolph is gone.
The only thing she has left of his is the bonsai tree that he gave her.
She sits down. She starts to prune it... and credits.
So in her grief for herself, she begins to reshape her own past.
Yes!
That's pretty ambitious for your first show. How'd it do?
400 views on YouTube.
Per episode?
Total.
Huh. Yeah, it's like how many assholes you gotta lick to get a little press?
Surprisingly few. But I learned you gotta lick thoroughly.
( party noises )
Did they reenact the 18th Amendment? Nothing but coconut juice.
Which is an urban myth, by the way.
And a freakin’ weird collection of dog toys.
You know, vampires can drink alcohol. They can.
They just like to say they can’t because it makes them feel superior.
( in Dracula voice: ) “I never drink... wine.”
Goddamned posers.
My second show did a lot better, and I never felt like I had to compromise.
So, getting hit in the testicles? Guaranteed gold.
I didn't tell 'em that that was the, uh, entire premise of your third show.
And, uh, breasts are hot, of course. But, strangely, not nipples.
♪ party music ♪
( long squeak )
Score!
How old are these fuckers?
That must be such a rewarding life. I could never get married.
Too limiting. Besides, it’s not the true vampire way.
We weren’t even allowed to get married, back in the day.
Oh, heavens no. Marriage was for mortals.
Well, they needed it. They’re clingy, poor souls.
Marriage is the perfect institution for people who don’t have an ounce of self-respect or individuality.
Oh, but I’m sure you’re very, very happy with... Brad?
( deep groan and growl )
Oh! You know ladies, I think it’s time to prepare my specialty.
Vampire ladies: Oh!
( chopping noise and chime )
They love sexy maids. And fluoride. How to combine those two?
It’s a jumping-off point.
Howie: Well, Messrs. Bartles and Jaymes.
I’m pleased to say your wine coolers hold up very well after 25 years.
( gulp )
Y’know. Compared to blood.
Blood's fucking nasty.
But you’re a vampire.
Just ’cause some asshole bit me means I gotta like blood?
I just assumed it was part of it all.
Don’t stereotype, it’s insulting. I mean, I had a life before.
I was a competitive wakeboarder.
You think I can do that now? At night?
I tried it once. During a full moon.
Thank God for immortality.
Joellette: You kept spiders, lizards, and snakes?
As pets?! Ugh. What kind of pets are those?
Vampirey ones?
They couldn’t have been that entertaining.
And, uh, what kind of pets would you consider to be entertaining?
Howie: And how do they become vampires, do you suppose?
Through... through hard work? Artistic desperation? Chutzpah?
No! No, they're just bit on the fucking neck!
Now, tell me, do you suppose that justifies our huge superiority complex?
Ah, God, who knows.
Puppies work for just about every demographic. We can put 'em in any show.
And the crew will love 'em... ( gruesome groan )
Excuse me...
♪ party music ♪
What’s up with that guy?
I think we’re working on a show together.
I- I get down on the vamps, but you know, I’ll tell ya, thank Urkel I was bit by a vampire.
I think I’d have to kill myself if I were a werewolf. Or Jesus forbid, a zombie.
Fuckin’ furskins and rotbags. Make my teeth itch.
Well, as we vampires like to say, without any irony whatsoever...
time to drain the main vein.
♪ party music ♪
Angst didn’t test as high as you might expect with this crowd. Hmm.
All right, so far, we have a show about a vampire sexy maid carpenter
who’s also a nipple-less dental hygienist with a puppy farm.
And she's constantly getting hit in the nuts...
♪ party music ♪
( pages flipping )
Maybe we could just get that Fred kid to read the phone book.
I know, huh? It’s just a jumping off point.
What, you don’t like the puppies?
What about babies? Are there baby breeders?
Well, I suppose, for lack of any real ideas, we can always resort to mindless farce-
♪ dramatic music ♪
( tray clanging )
Tad: ( gasps ) Bah!
Bunny must be running the microwave.
Bunny: No, dear.
♪ dramatic music ♪
Woof.
( gasps. tray clangs. )
( wolf howl )
( chimes )
♪ music crescendo ♪
( chimes )
♪♪♪♪