Star Wreck 2π: Full Twist, now! - FULL MOVIE

Computer!
Blog Captain Stöcklin, Moondate...
...23.5.2015.
I'm on my way to my new spaceship; Twister 1.
My new spaceship!!
We have to test a new stardrive,
because this communist-shit-drive
is not working at all.
First things first.
Actually it's a big coincidence
that I became Captain.
10 years ago, nobody would have thought
that today we would have such a big spacefleet.
Everything started with the discovery
of a spaceship in Siberia.
To be more exact
the construction site of a spaceship.
Later on ISS was destroyed.
After this Eastern-Europe was attacked by Russia.
The damn Russian joined emperor Pirk.
He gave them highly advanced technology.
After the Yanks were destroyed,
all other countries fell like dominos.
After the world surrendered to the P-Empire,
all resources were used to build a spacefleet.
Apparently the galaxy is swarming with evil aliens.
Anyway, with or without Emperor,
life stays exactly as crappy as before.
It's even a bit worse because
Finnish became the new world language.
I hate Finnish!
Yeah...right...
My own way to the fleet...
...is also a complicated story.
It started as my girlfriend...
(who actually wasn't my real girlfriend)
threw me out!
After this I lost my job.
After all these deceptions I started to drink.
That helped.
I could even swallow disgusting P-Swill,
to drown my problems.
One time I was so well-oiled,
that I discovered a hidden talent.
You ass, my beer!!!
I'm very talented beating people up, when I'm drunk.
Then my life got new meaning:
to booze and to fight!
One morning, as I was warming up...
...for a nice fight.
I ended up in the fleet. I don't know why...
I...I gotta do that.
At the beginning I hated that stupid bootcamp:
stupid bouncing, yelling and these drills...
complete moronism.
Stöcklin, down with your butt!
Cadet stand-up!!
Eventually it really started to be amusing.
This is great!
Everything got much better!
Stop, 5 minute break!
And then I started officer training.
Theory and practical.
One day, on my way to the cantine,
I saw a flyer:
A captain was wanted for the prototype vessel Twister 1.
I sent my application at once.
And I got the job!
Afterwards, everything happened quickly:
collecting the new twister uniform...
"old uniform for garbage"
..and off to the shuttle.
Well!
If I'm gonna be captain,
I must be sexy.
Save blog!
Quit!
You!
Repair this fucking chair.
JP, do a shield-check!
Yes, Ma'am!
There is a stain, clean it!
Engine bay?
Safety-Check, Hadron-Drive, now!
What do you think about the new ship?
I ordered a new uniform for you.
It will fit you perfectly.
Try it on immediately!
Oh my god!
I will never wear this!
Spacedock to Twister 1 and 2!
The checklist was completed.
Captain Stöcklin, Commander Wüthrich!
...hcr...hbfs...
You got cleareance!
Leave!
I'm not the only one, who can't
speak Finnish, in this fucking fleet!
Stöcklin to Twister 2:
What's your status?
Everything in normal range, awaiting your orders.
Captain Stöcklin!
Don't mess up!!
And don't destroy any of these ships.
They are worth millions.
Do you understand!!!
Yes.....
yes..but...if...dual
I don't want your excuses!
Ah, Catty.
That uniform suits you well...
When you come back,
we could have dinner and
talk about your rank as captain.
Off with this stuff...
damn asshole!
Finally we are shot of this damn Ikea-Emperor...
Well.
Engange Dual-Position!
Twister 1 and 2 good luck!
Thank you, Commander Straciatella.
5, 4,
3, 2, 1,
Engage!
The connection works.
Dual-Twister for...
...2 minutes.
and...go!
10, 9, 8, 7, 6,
5, 4, 3, 2,1
zero!
Shutdown...shutdown!
Shut this fucking thing off!!
Pull the plug!!!
The Hadron-Twist-Drive isn't reacting!
Umbilical unstable!
Losing speed!
Move apart....Move apart
...then the damn link will break!
Side jet...now!
The side jets are on maximum!
Distance 10 kilometers.
..no fluctuation in the hadron field.
300 km,
400 km,
600 km
900 km
Increasing fluctuation.
We need a minimum distance of 7000 km.
1500 km,
2000 km
Are we backfiring now?
Hadron-Drive out of action!
Activate breaking jets!
Here is the record from the weather satellite.
Two enemy ships ripped the planet apart.
I never saw such a mighty weapon.
We have no chance, if they come here.
48 battle-destroyers should
go to eliminate the enemy.
Before they destroy us.
And the other vessels
should prepare for battle.
Maybe this is only the beginning of an
invasion on the Dramculian Empire.
50% of my crew died from
the escaping Hadron radiation.
But the twist-drive is still working, I think...
We only have 2 dead,
but 90% of the crew are injured.
We have to return as fast as possible.
We found the reason why we couldn't stop the Hadron-drive.
I will send you the bug fix.
What's going on?
Alien vessels?
They are certainly kind and will help us.
Or maybe not...
All hands, battle stations.
All survivors...
...battle stations.
Their shields are very strong but will soon be down.
We will board one of these alien vessels.
The boarding platoon is awaiting orders.
Load weapons and fire!
Fire!
Is anybody listening to me?
No weapons are built into the prototype vessels.
The emperor wanted to make savings.
Shit!
The shields are down.
Ship on collision course!
Cripes, we are being boarded!
Boarding has started.
There is no resistance!
Very well!
Stöcklin to security!
toxic gas, toxic gas, toxic gas
Stöcklin to Twister 2!
Prepare emergency beam!
Computer, escape hatch!
Confirmed!
JP prepare the emergency beam.
Captain Stöcklin is aboard.
We put him into a space suit to heat him up.
The Hadron-drive is ready!
But without the second ship we can only fly half as fast.
Never mind! We split as soon as we see a gap.
now...NOW!!!
There goes the date with Pirk...
Adapt our speed!
We will collect the debris, for analysis.
I’m sure that these ships were an advance guard.
If 2 of them destroyed a planet,
the main fleet must be devastating!
We have to stop their attack!
It will take years to reach their home planet!
Not if we can use their technology!
Get the fleet ready!
We have exited hyperspace.
Set course to the space yard.
Prepare atmospheric entry.
The center sends us new instructions.
Debris are to be brought to site #76
And the enemy ship to dock #3.
Blog entry 24 May...approximately.
I hid myself in the debris
and arrived on this strange ET-planet.
Meanwhile I located my ship,
and I will get it back.
This will be a cakewalk.
The only trouble on this muck hill, is
to avoid attack by giant rats and bugs.
I’m wondering: How stupid one must be
to place a space yard planet
next to a white giant.
Maybe these ETs have complete different vision.
Blog quit!
fuck..save.. save!
What's going on there?
Another attack?
I think he got hurt!
Maybe he got bit by a flying snake?
Possible.
We have to help him.
Oh shit, I know what happend... -Oh...you mean...
Killer-Squirrel attack!!!
Come on, quick.
Give me the gun!
Be careful it is dangerous. -come on coward.
I'm not afraid!
Switch your gun to maximum power!
Don't speak and run!
Tin soldier.
Computer
Computer, change user interface to German.
User interface language German not found.
Next similar language is Upper Walliser German.
Yes, that's also good.
The system has been set to upper walliser German.
Computer, engage the engine.
Get ready to take off!
Killer-Squirrel!
Damn, sunglasses would be useful.
Vessel ready in 12 minutes.
You see squirrels everywhere...
ha, ha, ha, ha...
My brother was eaten by a squirrel...
Are they blind?
Or dumb?
And also fucking ugly!
It's time for lunch.
Yes!
Let's get food!
I hope it's not rat soup again.
We had it yesterday...
Hey lads!
Die hard fucking squirrels...
What's that?? -Run, run !!!
Come on, come on.
Take that!
Wrong DNA, Auto-destruction activated!
We’re under attack, come on!!
Is it the giant octopus again?
Wrong DNA, Auto-destruction activated!
Sorry!
Wrong DNA, Auto-destruction activated!
Wrong DNA, Auto-destruction activated!
-Reserve brigde -Main bridge
Reserve Bridge.
Blog entry end of May.
In a few minutes I will reach Earth.
My ship is almost completely intact,
so Pirk will not rip me apart.
Even though... his sweet heart died...
..Crap...
Never mind.
I think the back sensors are on the blink.
It looks like a swarm of bees are chasing me.
I'm sure it's unimportant.
Arrival in 1 minute.
Computer engage deceleration!
I hope that this software-update will work.
Dear space suit, come to daddy!
Welcome back captain.
We thought that both ships had been destroyed.
Stöcklin!!!
What happened to your ship?
Where is the other ship?
And what about Catty?
Is she dead?
What have you done?
Emperor!
We have encountered unknown aliens.
They have sent a fleet to attack us.
I will send you the data we collected.
Stöcklin!!!
you army knife rolling, cheese eating, fart shit!
What have you done? Idiot!
Hä?
I don't understand.
SILENT!
Launch all the ships in space.
But the ships are not ready to fly.
I don't care!
Hurry up to space! Activate deflector plates!
FIRE!
Their fleet is approaching.
Ready for attack!
Maybe I should split.
Computer,
engage the eng...!!!
Engines are down.
Do we have shuttles?
No shuttles on board.
Do we have rescue-capsules?
Of course not!
Are you sure?
The question wasn’t recognized.
Fucking great...
Dwarf...come over here
Yes, my emperor!
You and Info take the Potkustart.
And destroy the enemies.
The tin can is still under repair.
What?
In that case, you must do it alone.
You are in charge now!
Yes, emperor.
Bawoll!
Admiral on deck!
Report!
Our fleet is gathering around Potkustart
and preparing a new attack.
More troops are beaming to other ships.
They will leave the station in a few minutes.
Red alert!
Turn it off...
...ignore the command, turn it off!
Good heavens, I can hear again.
Enemy activity?
The Enemy-Fleet is divided into three parts.
One part is aiming at our fleet.
one is protecting their flagship
and the others are aiming at us.
Let’s see what that station is capable of.
Activate all the weapons and orbital plattforms.
Launch all the fighters.
Potkustart to fleet.
Fire at will.
Enemy within fire range.
They're launching space bombs.
Activate missile defence system.
The fighters will intercept the enemy vessels.
Shields holding.
Enemy battle ships soon in range.
All weapons: fire at will!
Fleet reports that we are out of light balls.
They shall fire with twinklers.
Their strange beam weapons go straight through our shields.
Adapt shield repulsion frequencies.
Not possible.
Our shield modulation is incompatible.
Message from Potkustart...
The shields of the enemy can't stand the twinklers.
All twinklers: fire at will.
Fire light balls as soon as their shields collapse.
Where are the reinforcements?
They are still on the dock.
Admiral!
Cmd Dwarf wants to know where the reinforcements are?
Channel open to CPP Maelstrom
Channel open.
Captain Monsen.
Why are you not fighting??
We are ready, but we can't leave the dock.
The door is stuck.
The hanger door is fully operational.
Commander Straciatella!
Take care of this situation.
Work!! QUICK!!!
Lt. Petersen, head to the enemy ships.
Cmd Treholt open fire with twinklers when in range.
30 additional ships have entered the battle field.
We must retreat as fast as possible.
Activate planetary bombardement laser.
We're going to destroy the capital city.
The fleet will give us cover.
Enemy flagship is aiming at the Earth.
Fire from the nearby orbital stations.
Fire!
Damnit, alarm the fleet!
Emergency message from the station:
The enemy flagship is heading toward the Emperor's palace....
Message from Potkustart:
All ships engage the flagship.
Set interception course. Maximum speed.
Arrival in 90 seconds.
Their fleet is forming up...
General!
The enemy-vessels are charging us.
Maximum energy to shields.
Shields are holding, General.
Ready to fire in 10 seconds.
Fire when ready!
Our fire had minimal effect.
Oh dear...
Registering a massive energy buildup in the ship's main weapon.
Recieving a set of target coordinates from Potkustart.
Petersen, turn the ship round.
Treholt, fire everything we've got.
Yeah... only some uninhabited regions in the desert got it.
It missed by a hair!
Is that the famous „Pirk’s cunning“?
Message from Potkustart: The flagship is trying to retreat.
We need to destroy it and all remaining enemies.
No vessel shall escape.
Let’s finish it.
I’m going to hunt and fish afterwards,
I need to kill something.
Pirk’s cunning strikes again.
Blog entry, whatever...
I’m right in the middle of a space battle
and I miss everything.
My first battle!?!
And the only thing I get
is debris crashing into my ship.
Fuck man!
It's the most boring space battle ever!
Wow...convertible...great!
Computer!
Shield!
Emergency break!
Ejection seat!
Shit, everything in Finnish!
Shield?????
Here, yes!
Well done Dwarf.
Bring Stöcklin down here!
I want to courtmarshal him!
He will be here in 20 seconds.
Good! Beam him directly to the dungeon.
He is coming with the ship.
Look out the window.
What?
Here we go!
Shield shutdown in:
3 2 1
zero!
What the hell????
This idiot will bump into my palace!
Stöcklin...
Silence in court!
Mister Stöcklin.
You are accused of harming the fleet,
starting an interstellar war,
destroying the property of P-fleet,
hurting and killing fleet-members, zoophilia....
...and misuse of an swiss army knife!!!
Do you have anything to say?
äh...äh...but...
Silence!
Guilty as a pig!
This can't be changed!
Here is the sentence:
I condemn you to lifelong imprisonment!
What!
You’ll be honored to be the first
in our brand new prison...
No...no....NOoooo
...on an asteroid!!!
NOOOOOOOOooooooooo.......
Why not?!
Why didn’t I get any role in this movie?
To be, or not to be, that is the question.
Whether it's nobler in the mind to suffer.
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles.
And by opposing end them:
to die,
to sleep.
The world is unfair!
I am a brilliant actor.
I even grew this second season beard for this role.
But I just got this stupid part in the end of the movie!
I should entertain the audience during the end credits...
Dammit!