Massholes Episode 9: Doggy Date

JIMMY RUGGIERO: So Kenny's out of town, we don't
know where he's at.
What is he teaching dance?
PADDY QUINN: I think he's teaching some broads some
dance moves or something.
I figured while he's teaching girls to dance we'll do some
manly shit.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Yeah, work out.
PADDY QUINN: Come out here and, you know.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Do some push-ups, stay in shape, got
to stay fit.
PADDY QUINN: Throw the football around.
All right what do you want man?
JIMMY RUGGIERO: A little Brady to Welker?
PADDY QUINN: Brady to Welker, post.
Right around the picnic table, ready?
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Got it.
Sportscenter.
PADDY QUINN: Set, hut!
Watch this red rocket right here.
Oh yeah right on the fucking numbers.
Right on the numbers.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Still got it, the red rocket, huh?
PADDY QUINN: Red Rocket.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Red rocket's still got it.
PADDY QUINN: They called me the red rocket in high school.
And now I'm like and now I'm like Bledsoe.
Brent you want to run one?
BRENT: Yeah.
PADDY QUINN: We'll let Brent run one.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Ugh, don't let Brent run one.
BRENT: Yeah, yeah, let me run one.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Brent, you're going to get hurt man.
BRENT: Now I'm not.
Let me do a hot route.
PADDY QUINN: A hot route?
JIMMY RUGGIERO: We're trying to be-- oh, whatever.
BRENT: Yeah a hot route.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: A little hot route, here we go.
PADDY QUINN: You want to do a hot route?
Do you know what a hot route is?
BRENT: Or a button hook.
PADDY QUINN: Which one you want to do?
BRENT: Both.
Hot buttons.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Hot buttons, he wants to do it.
PADDY QUINN: Why don't we give him the old Boston long?
JIMMY RUGGIERO: The Boston long?
BRENT: Say hike.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: He's never going to get it.
PADDY QUINN: Just have you go deep, how about that?
BRENT: Fine.
PADDY QUINN: Ready to go deep?
All right ready?
Set hut, hike.
BRENT: God dammit Paddy.
PADDY QUINN: This fucking guy.
Deep.
BRENT: I'm open!
PADDY QUINN: Deep, deep.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: He's really going to fall
for the long trick.
PADDY QUINN: Deep, go ahead, go ahead deep, go.
Go deep.
Deeper.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Deeper!
PADDY QUINN: Deeper, no, no deeper.
Go ahead, longer.
Oldest trick in the book.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Idiot.
PADDY QUINN: You ran it wrong.
BRENT: How?
I ran straight.
How can I run that wrong?
PADDY QUINN: Did you ever play football a day in your life?
BRENT: Of course I did.
My dad actually for a summer made me play flag football,
but that was a disaster.
Shirts and skins?
Not for me.
PADDY QUINN: Yeah?
BRENT: Yeah, I'm an American.
PADDY QUINN: Well if you'd ever played football once
you'd know if you looked at that fucking tree when you
were running--
BRENT: Which tree?
Oof.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Oh boy.
MADDY: Hi.
DANIELLE: Hey.
MADDY: Hey.
Yeah Danielle and I used to be friends back in high school.
She was kind of a snobby bitch, but maybe she
changed, you know?
People change.
And I could use a girlfriend around here.
Yeah it's so good to see you.
DANIELLE: I know right?
It's bee so long.
MADDY: Yeah, who's this?
DANIELLE: This is Woody.
MADDY: Hey boy.
PADDY QUINN: I wish we had a fucking dog.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: I mean there's so many chicks here with dogs.
It's unbelievable.
PADDY QUINN: If we had a fucking dog we'd get so much
fucking tail.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Dude if we had a dog, we'd fucking clean up.
PADDY QUINN: All right let's go fucking get some protein,
we'll refuel, we'll come back, and we'll hit on all these
broads with dogs.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: I'm with you.
I'm with you there.
MADDY: Do you want to go get a coffee?
DANIELLE: Yeah I do.
MADDY: Tell me everything you've been doing.
DANIELLE: OK, where do I start?
PADDY QUINN: Dude, I'm telling you, we just fucking need a
little dog.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: If we had a little dog
we'd get all the chicks.
Like at the park today, we would have killed.
PADDY QUINN: Like a little dog just like this.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Yeah like--
PADDY QUINN: What?
What are you--
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Wait, where's this owner?
PADDY QUINN: Where's the owner?
JIMMY RUGGIERO: I don't see anyone over here man.
PADDY QUINN: Hey fucking buddy where's your fucking owner?
JIMMY RUGGIERO: I think we're pretty good if we just borrow
you for a little bit.
PADDY QUINN: I think we'll just borrow you.
Can we borrow you?
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Yeah we're going to bring you home.
We'll bring you home.
PADDY QUINN: You want to come with us?
JIMMY RUGGIERO: We'll bring you home.
PADDY QUINN: Come with us.
Just for a minute, just for a minute.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: We'll bring you home.
PADDY QUINN: We're going to go talk to some girls.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Yeah puppy.

DANIELLE: Have you been dating?
MADDY: Yeah.
DANIELLE: Nothing crazy?
Where's--
Did I tie him at this one?
BRENT: Paddy and Jimmy just stole a puppy from this girl
from a coffee shop.
Is that what we've come to?
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Brent, we didn't steal.
PADDY QUINN: Would you fucking stop it?
JIMMY RUGGIERO: We borrowed the dog.
It's not a big deal, we just borrowed it.
PADDY QUINN: Yeah it's like Michael Vick fucking owned it.
It was tied to a fucking chain-liked fence.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Yeah we were doing a good service.
PADDY QUINN: We took it to a dog park, what are we?
Criminals?
DANIELLE: I don't know what I'm going to do?
MADDY: It's fine, OK?
I'm an expert.
Remember when I lost my dog Movan when we were kids?
I found him in an hour.
DANIELLE: Did you like make posters or something?
MADDY: No posters didn't work, I just threatened everybody.
DANIELLE: Or course posters didn't work, your
dog wasn't even cute.
MADDY: Bitch.
So you're upset.
I'm going to go around and ask people if they saw him, or
found him or whatever.
Call you.
DANIELLE: OK call me.
I'm going to call the police.
Hi I'm calling about a dog-napping.
MADDY: Did you see anybody take a dog
that was right here?
-A big redheaded guy, and a short curly-haired guy.
They came and took the dog.
MADDY: OK.
-That little dog that was over there.
MADDY: Yeah, OK, thank you.
-You're welcome.
MADDY: Hey.
Shut up.
Did you guys steal a dog?
JIMMY RUGGIERO: We're going to find some chicks with it.
PADDY QUINN: You like this chick there?
JIMMY RUGGIERO: I got to go.
PADDY QUINN: You like this chick right here?
JIMMY RUGGIERO: I like that chick over there.
PADDY QUINN: What do you think?
You like that doggy?
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Oh yeah, she's so cute.
PADDY QUINN: You like that doggy?
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Listen, you're going to be a pussy
magnet for us today.
PADDY QUINN: Be the pussy magnet.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: You are the pussy magnet.
PADDY QUINN: Ready?
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Go get them.
PADDY QUINN: Yeah.
ZOE: Oh!
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Oh look at that.
ZOE: Oh, hi!
PADDY QUINN: Oh yeah, you guys like each other?
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Look at you two, huh?
ZOE: Hi buddy.
PADDY QUINN: Oh, well hello there.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Look at this, huh?
ZOE: Wow, what's your name?
PADDY QUINN: Look at this.
My name's Paddy, what's yours?
ZOE: Oh, I meant the dog.
PADDY QUINN: Oh you were talking about Bernie.
ZOE: Saturday's my favorite day to come to the park,
because Pixie and I get to go man scouting.
There are just men here all the time on Saturdays, and
they're all just hanging out.
And Pixie's like her mommy, she
likes to talk to strangers.
Don't you Pix?
Don't you Pix?
I think she sees one.
Go get him.
Bernie?
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Bernie.
Beany--
PADDY QUINN: Beatrice?
ZOE: Beatrice Bernie.
Come here.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Bernie Beatrice, it's a
first and last name.
ZOE: This is Pixie.
PADDY QUINN: Pixie, how are you honey?
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Pixie.
PADDY QUINN: Aren't you a pretty little dog?
ZOE: Hi, how long have you guys had Bernie Beatrice?
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Two, three years?
PADDY QUINN: Four years.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Five,
PADDY QUINN: OK.
MADDY: Hey.
DANIELLE: Hi.
Did you hear anything?
MADDY: No.
How're those posters coming?
DANIELLE: Good, I don't know.
Do they need a number or something?
MADDY: Yeah they need a reward.
DANIELLE: Yes.
OK, for like $100?
MADDY: Hmm.
It's a cute dog.
You want your dog back, right?
How much is rent?
DANIELLE: $1400.
MADDY: Sounds good.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Yeah he's a wiener dog.
ZOE: You know what is weird?
He looks just like my roommate's dog.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Really?
PADDY QUINN: Really?
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Ah.
ZOE: Yeah but his name's Woody.
PADDY QUINN: Nice.
ZOE: Yeah.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Well do you think you'd like Woody there,
Beatrice Bernie?
ZOE: I think you'd play really nicely with Woody Bernie.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Yeah, yeah.
Your roommate's a girl?
Woman?
ZOE: Yeah, you know we actually live right at the end
of the park.
You guys should come meet her.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Doggy date?
Doggy date?
PADDY QUINN: A little doggy date you think?
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Count as a doggy date?
ZOE: Sure.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Yeah, maybe have some drinks
and just hang out?
ZOE: All right, Zoe, yeah.
Let's have a couple beers.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Yeah let's do this.
PADDY QUINN: I like that.
ZOE: I'm not going to get over this.
He looks so much like woody.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: She's going to freak out I bet.
What's up?
MADDY: Hey Jimmy.
There's a reward.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: I don't care, I don't care.
PADDY QUINN: Your roommate has the same kind of dog as we do?
ZOE: Same dog.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: We'll bring the dog back after.
We're going on a doggy date with a bunch of babes.
[INAUDIBLE]
MADDY: No, no, no, no, no.
ZOE: This is our place.
PADDY QUINN: Hey, all right, hey, hey.
Ho.
DANIELLE: What kind of assholes steal a dog?
MADDY: Yeah, they found him.
PADDY QUINN: Yay!
All right, Jesus, we'll fucking leave.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: We're sorry.
Bye.
We'll get out of here come on.
DANIELLE: We can call the cops.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Does that mean we're not
going on a doggy date?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
PADDY QUINN: Work out platform, huh?
JIMMY RUGGIERO: You got to get full extension.
PADDY QUINN: Hoo!
Cardio teamwork, full extension.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: It's easy to work out with someone else.
It's always easy.