Beth of the Week! - 5/18/2012 (Full Ep)
Uploaded by MyDamnChannel on 18.05.2012
Transcript:
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Ladies and gentlemen, 3 Doors Down.
AUDIENCE: Oh.
BETH HOYT: Shut up and listen.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Hello, friends.
It's Friday.
Do you have a nice week just slothing through every--
through every day until 4:00 PM when you could watch My
Damn Channel LIVE?
And then you thought, you know, then you thought about
some shit your dad says and whether it's
book worthy or not.
And then you were like, at least my dad isn't Steve
Rannazzisi.
And then you're like, wait, actually, he's
really cool and sweet.
And I just have this different idea of him because of how
funny slash bad he is on Daddy Knows Best.
Let's watch his new one together.
But also on Fridays on our show here, we do you the favor
of finding all of our favorite moments from the week and then
just dishing them for you.
We are the hot lunch ladies.
You carry your tray.
We'll give you the portions.
Except this is way more fun than hot lunch,
except pizza day.
Anyway, this is the Beth of the Week.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
MALE SPEAKER: Uh, and all the sudden two homeless guys just
start chasing us.
And so we ran through our little league practice with
two homeless guys chasing us and then our
coach behind them.
BETH HOYT: Carrying all the--
MALE SPEAKER: We were carrying all the pork.
BETH HOYT: You- you took your loot.
MALE SPEAKER: And then I just broke right, and
I ran a mile home.
BETH HOYT: Albert Nobbs is out on Blu-ray, the old-timey
movie where Glenn Close plays an old-timey man, on Blu-ray.
That's not exciting at all.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Ochocinco has five [INTERPOSING VOICES]
cell phones.
BETH HOYT: Well, that makes sense.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: You- you guess why.
You guess why.
BETH HOYT: The brothers sing in the school Saturday,
Sunday, Wednesday.
FEMALE SPEAKER: You're my kind of guy.
I got pink lipstick, crazy hair.
I'm a Lady Gaga girl, and don't care. 'Cause grace--
[BELL RING]
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Oh, thanks.
Thank you.
BETH HOYT: I mean, seriously.
Anything you want.
And it'll make you look at things across a page.
Do you guys remember how to do that?
Duh, duh, duh, duh, wah, wah, wah.
[GULPING]
[CHOKING]
FEMALE SPEAKER: Oh!
BETH HOYT: It's in my nose.
Although I must confess, I didn't know who
he was until now.
I had to Google him up.
LOL.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: LOL.
[LAUGHTER]
I didn't know who you were.
I had no--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: It's all happening out loud.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
STEVE RANNAZZISI: And that's why daddy doesn't go to
Tijuana anymore.
Because VD is a real thing, buddy.
You have no idea how much penicillin I had to take to
get rid of that.
You taking this all in, or--
Hey, buddy.
Oh.
Hey!
Oh, oh, thank you.
Buddy, you can't run off like that.
Huh?
Gosh, oh, thank you so much.
He's uh--
I'll just--
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: No.
No.
I would like to speak to his mother.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Bah.
That can't happen.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: You are a piece of shit father.
And I'm not about to let you take this child anywhere.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: All right, listen to me.
Listen to me.
I may not be Medea--
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: What?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: But to err is to be human.
You- you know that.
Look, Will Smith said that at the end of Hitch.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Will Smith?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Mm hmm.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Really?
You just said it because he was black or something?
You're a moron.
Call your wife.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: I can't call my wife.
I can't.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Why?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: I'm on thin ice as it is.
I-- if I call my wife, she's going to leave me.
And then this kid's going to grow up in a broken home.
We can't have that.
We cannot.
You know what it's like.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Oh, I should know.
I should know about a broken fam--
call your wife.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: No, I can't.
I'm not going to call my wife.
All right, I'm not going to call my wife.
And I'm not negotiating with a stranger for my own son.
I own him.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: You own him?
You white folks.
Well, y'all think you own everything.
You can't own a kid.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: I made him.
He came from me.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Call your wife.
No.
No, you're not going to take him nowhere.
No.
What.
Huh?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: OK.
Listen, you're strapped, obviously.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Yep.
I will tase the taste out of your mouth, son.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: You win.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: I know I win.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: I'll call my wife.
Checkmate.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: That's right, checkmate.
Queen me all that shit.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Queening is checkmate.
FEMALE SPEAKER 3: Uh, I had to leave work.
What's going on?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Oh, great.
This lady won't let me have our son back.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Oh, so this is my fault.
FEMALE SPEAKER 3: What?
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: This is my fault.
Hey, your dipshit husband left your child in the park.
FEMALE SPEAKER 3: What?
Steve, are you serious?
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Yes, yes.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: That's only 80% accurate.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Hey, hey, between me and you, you could
do a lot better than him.
FEMALE SPEAKER 3: OK, I don't need you running my family.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yeah.
FEMALE SPEAKER 3: I got this.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Wait a minute.
Hold up.
I'm just trying to help you out.
You know, obviously you like putting up with this bullshit.
Y'all dumbasses deserve each other.
FEMALE SPEAKER 3: What did you just say to me [INAUDIBLE]?
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: I said that y'all deserved each other.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Wow, ladies, ladies, ladies, please.
Violence is not the answer.
FEMALE SPEAKER 3: Steve.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yes?
FEMALE SPEAKER 3: Get your hand off my boob.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Dude, are you serious?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Let's respect boundaries.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Dude, seriously?
You've got a boner?
Really?
FEMALE SPEAKER 3: You-- he's all yours.
[TASER]
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Wah!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
DR. FRED WILSON: Hi, I'm Dr. Fred Wilson.
And I'm here to tell you about Med Fax, a new app that
diagnoses all of your medical symptoms in
just a matter of seconds.
Sounds crazy right?
Well, say you want to check your temperature, all you have
to do is open the app, load the page, and then
stick it up your butt.
MALE SPEAKER 2: Oh, 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit.
Cool.
DR. FRED WILSON: Yes, that is cool.
But what if your throat hurts?
MALE SPEAKER 2: Just put it in my mouth?
DR. FRED WILSON: Eh, not so fast.
Before you do that, you're going to need to go ahead and
stick it up your butt.
MALE SPEAKER 2: Wait, I put the phone in my mouth after I
stick it in--
DR. FRED WILSON: That's right.
Before you know it, you'll find out if you have
bronchitis, strep, or just a simple sore throat.
MALE SPEAKER 2: Huh, strep.
I guess that's kind of cool.
DR. FRED WILSON: What happens if you want to
take a chest x-ray?
MALE SPEAKER 2: Does Med Fax do that too?
DR. FRED WILSON: Sure does.
Just place the screen of the phone on your
chest for five seconds.
MALE SPEAKER 2: Oh, nice.
DR. FRED WILSON: Now stick it up your butt.
MALE SPEAKER 2: What?
DR. FRED WILSON: Podiatry?
MALE SPEAKER 2: I think I can take a guess.
DR. FRED WILSON: That's right, just stick it up your butt.
DR. FRED WILSON: Gynecology?
MALE SPEAKER 2: But I don't have a vagina.
DR. FRED WILSON: Doesn't matter, just
stick it up your butt.
Urology?
MALE SPEAKER 2: Right.
DR. FRED WILSON: Stick it up you butt.
Proctology?
MALE SPEAKER 2: Oh, I got this one.
Stick it up my butt.
DR. FRED WILSON: No.
Press the phone against your lower back, hold your breath
for five seconds, and then wait for the beep.
MALE SPEAKER 2: OK.
DR. FRED WILSON: Then stick it up your butt.
MALE SPEAKER 2: Jesus Christ, are we done here?
DR. FRED WILSON: No, there's more.
Now you can get Med Fax on your tablet as well.
MALE SPEAKER 2: No.
No.
Absolutely not.
Not going to happen.
DR. FRED WILSON: Med Fax, just stick it up your butt.
MALE SPEAKER 2: Is that a wrap?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Hey folks, Gilbert Gottfried here.
So there's this thing called a gender cake party that some
parents are throwing to find out the sex of
their unborn child.
They have the doctor send the test results to a baker who
then bakes a cake with either are blue or pink batter.
So when they cut it open, they find out if they're having a
boy or a girl.
Look, I get it.
You want to make a party and give your friends another
reason to have to buy you presents.
Listen to me for a second.
You don't want a doctor that sends your test
results to a baker.
You want a doctor that says to you, no.
I'm a doctor.
What happens if you get a cake that's both pink and blue on
the inside.
I guess you're having twins or a hermaphrodite.
Maybe we should all get our test results through cakes.
Green batter, congratulations, you have chlamydia.
Thanks to Foursquare, people now get to tell the world
where they are at every single moment.
Because everyone needs to know you're taking a shit in the
Starbucks bathroom.
And now a company made an app that takes all that data and
uses it to stalk people.
It's called Girls Around Me.
And it tells you when girls have checked in near you and
gives you access to her personal information.
I get it, you having trouble meeting women.
Called me old fashioned, but I miss the good-old-days, when
stalkers had to hide out in your hallway for hours and
wait for you.
That took commitment.
Apparently this was so creepy, they had to take the app down.
Sorry predators.
Finally, this French inventor has developed a spray that
apparently gets you super drunk for under a minute.
I get it.
This is the perfect invention for our fast-paced world.
Who has time these days to take a bottle, tilt it over a
glass, and then drink it.
That could take minutes.
This is perfect for people who love to drive drunk but hate
getting caught.
You could be hammered when the cop pulls you over and sober
by the time he reaches your window.
Do you guys know any stupid stuff I can sound off on?
Of course you do.
It's the internet.
Just send me your ideas on Twitter.
Until then, try not to get too drunk cyberstalking women on
their way to a gender cake party.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Hey, did you guys watch my
blog this week Whoosh.
Pfew.
And get dating tips to use this weekend.
Whoosh.
Pfew.
Yeah.
Oh, a good tip I didn't include is, don't try to find
"the one" on the weekend.
That's good for like a Tuesday night.
Here's another tip.
Live next Wednesday, Gilbert Gottfried's doing
Gilbert Gets It live.
And Wyatt Cenac from The Daily Show will
be our special guest.
Big shows, new videos next week, 4:00 PM Eastern.
Now get out there and meet someone, oh, but not the one.
Well, unless--
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Ladies and gentlemen, 3 Doors Down.
AUDIENCE: Oh.
BETH HOYT: Shut up and listen.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Hello, friends.
It's Friday.
Do you have a nice week just slothing through every--
through every day until 4:00 PM when you could watch My
Damn Channel LIVE?
And then you thought, you know, then you thought about
some shit your dad says and whether it's
book worthy or not.
And then you were like, at least my dad isn't Steve
Rannazzisi.
And then you're like, wait, actually, he's
really cool and sweet.
And I just have this different idea of him because of how
funny slash bad he is on Daddy Knows Best.
Let's watch his new one together.
But also on Fridays on our show here, we do you the favor
of finding all of our favorite moments from the week and then
just dishing them for you.
We are the hot lunch ladies.
You carry your tray.
We'll give you the portions.
Except this is way more fun than hot lunch,
except pizza day.
Anyway, this is the Beth of the Week.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
MALE SPEAKER: Uh, and all the sudden two homeless guys just
start chasing us.
And so we ran through our little league practice with
two homeless guys chasing us and then our
coach behind them.
BETH HOYT: Carrying all the--
MALE SPEAKER: We were carrying all the pork.
BETH HOYT: You- you took your loot.
MALE SPEAKER: And then I just broke right, and
I ran a mile home.
BETH HOYT: Albert Nobbs is out on Blu-ray, the old-timey
movie where Glenn Close plays an old-timey man, on Blu-ray.
That's not exciting at all.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Ochocinco has five [INTERPOSING VOICES]
cell phones.
BETH HOYT: Well, that makes sense.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: You- you guess why.
You guess why.
BETH HOYT: The brothers sing in the school Saturday,
Sunday, Wednesday.
FEMALE SPEAKER: You're my kind of guy.
I got pink lipstick, crazy hair.
I'm a Lady Gaga girl, and don't care. 'Cause grace--
[BELL RING]
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Oh, thanks.
Thank you.
BETH HOYT: I mean, seriously.
Anything you want.
And it'll make you look at things across a page.
Do you guys remember how to do that?
Duh, duh, duh, duh, wah, wah, wah.
[GULPING]
[CHOKING]
FEMALE SPEAKER: Oh!
BETH HOYT: It's in my nose.
Although I must confess, I didn't know who
he was until now.
I had to Google him up.
LOL.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: LOL.
[LAUGHTER]
I didn't know who you were.
I had no--
STEVE RANNAZZISI: It's all happening out loud.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
STEVE RANNAZZISI: And that's why daddy doesn't go to
Tijuana anymore.
Because VD is a real thing, buddy.
You have no idea how much penicillin I had to take to
get rid of that.
You taking this all in, or--
Hey, buddy.
Oh.
Hey!
Oh, oh, thank you.
Buddy, you can't run off like that.
Huh?
Gosh, oh, thank you so much.
He's uh--
I'll just--
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: No.
No.
I would like to speak to his mother.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Bah.
That can't happen.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: You are a piece of shit father.
And I'm not about to let you take this child anywhere.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: All right, listen to me.
Listen to me.
I may not be Medea--
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: What?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: But to err is to be human.
You- you know that.
Look, Will Smith said that at the end of Hitch.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Will Smith?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Mm hmm.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Really?
You just said it because he was black or something?
You're a moron.
Call your wife.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: I can't call my wife.
I can't.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Why?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: I'm on thin ice as it is.
I-- if I call my wife, she's going to leave me.
And then this kid's going to grow up in a broken home.
We can't have that.
We cannot.
You know what it's like.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Oh, I should know.
I should know about a broken fam--
call your wife.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: No, I can't.
I'm not going to call my wife.
All right, I'm not going to call my wife.
And I'm not negotiating with a stranger for my own son.
I own him.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: You own him?
You white folks.
Well, y'all think you own everything.
You can't own a kid.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: I made him.
He came from me.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Call your wife.
No.
No, you're not going to take him nowhere.
No.
What.
Huh?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: OK.
Listen, you're strapped, obviously.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Yep.
I will tase the taste out of your mouth, son.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: You win.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: I know I win.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: I'll call my wife.
Checkmate.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: That's right, checkmate.
Queen me all that shit.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Queening is checkmate.
FEMALE SPEAKER 3: Uh, I had to leave work.
What's going on?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Oh, great.
This lady won't let me have our son back.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Oh, so this is my fault.
FEMALE SPEAKER 3: What?
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: This is my fault.
Hey, your dipshit husband left your child in the park.
FEMALE SPEAKER 3: What?
Steve, are you serious?
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Yes, yes.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: That's only 80% accurate.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Hey, hey, between me and you, you could
do a lot better than him.
FEMALE SPEAKER 3: OK, I don't need you running my family.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yeah.
FEMALE SPEAKER 3: I got this.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Wait a minute.
Hold up.
I'm just trying to help you out.
You know, obviously you like putting up with this bullshit.
Y'all dumbasses deserve each other.
FEMALE SPEAKER 3: What did you just say to me [INAUDIBLE]?
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: I said that y'all deserved each other.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Wow, ladies, ladies, ladies, please.
Violence is not the answer.
FEMALE SPEAKER 3: Steve.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Yes?
FEMALE SPEAKER 3: Get your hand off my boob.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Dude, are you serious?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Let's respect boundaries.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Dude, seriously?
You've got a boner?
Really?
FEMALE SPEAKER 3: You-- he's all yours.
[TASER]
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Wah!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
DR. FRED WILSON: Hi, I'm Dr. Fred Wilson.
And I'm here to tell you about Med Fax, a new app that
diagnoses all of your medical symptoms in
just a matter of seconds.
Sounds crazy right?
Well, say you want to check your temperature, all you have
to do is open the app, load the page, and then
stick it up your butt.
MALE SPEAKER 2: Oh, 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit.
Cool.
DR. FRED WILSON: Yes, that is cool.
But what if your throat hurts?
MALE SPEAKER 2: Just put it in my mouth?
DR. FRED WILSON: Eh, not so fast.
Before you do that, you're going to need to go ahead and
stick it up your butt.
MALE SPEAKER 2: Wait, I put the phone in my mouth after I
stick it in--
DR. FRED WILSON: That's right.
Before you know it, you'll find out if you have
bronchitis, strep, or just a simple sore throat.
MALE SPEAKER 2: Huh, strep.
I guess that's kind of cool.
DR. FRED WILSON: What happens if you want to
take a chest x-ray?
MALE SPEAKER 2: Does Med Fax do that too?
DR. FRED WILSON: Sure does.
Just place the screen of the phone on your
chest for five seconds.
MALE SPEAKER 2: Oh, nice.
DR. FRED WILSON: Now stick it up your butt.
MALE SPEAKER 2: What?
DR. FRED WILSON: Podiatry?
MALE SPEAKER 2: I think I can take a guess.
DR. FRED WILSON: That's right, just stick it up your butt.
DR. FRED WILSON: Gynecology?
MALE SPEAKER 2: But I don't have a vagina.
DR. FRED WILSON: Doesn't matter, just
stick it up your butt.
Urology?
MALE SPEAKER 2: Right.
DR. FRED WILSON: Stick it up you butt.
Proctology?
MALE SPEAKER 2: Oh, I got this one.
Stick it up my butt.
DR. FRED WILSON: No.
Press the phone against your lower back, hold your breath
for five seconds, and then wait for the beep.
MALE SPEAKER 2: OK.
DR. FRED WILSON: Then stick it up your butt.
MALE SPEAKER 2: Jesus Christ, are we done here?
DR. FRED WILSON: No, there's more.
Now you can get Med Fax on your tablet as well.
MALE SPEAKER 2: No.
No.
Absolutely not.
Not going to happen.
DR. FRED WILSON: Med Fax, just stick it up your butt.
MALE SPEAKER 2: Is that a wrap?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Hey folks, Gilbert Gottfried here.
So there's this thing called a gender cake party that some
parents are throwing to find out the sex of
their unborn child.
They have the doctor send the test results to a baker who
then bakes a cake with either are blue or pink batter.
So when they cut it open, they find out if they're having a
boy or a girl.
Look, I get it.
You want to make a party and give your friends another
reason to have to buy you presents.
Listen to me for a second.
You don't want a doctor that sends your test
results to a baker.
You want a doctor that says to you, no.
I'm a doctor.
What happens if you get a cake that's both pink and blue on
the inside.
I guess you're having twins or a hermaphrodite.
Maybe we should all get our test results through cakes.
Green batter, congratulations, you have chlamydia.
Thanks to Foursquare, people now get to tell the world
where they are at every single moment.
Because everyone needs to know you're taking a shit in the
Starbucks bathroom.
And now a company made an app that takes all that data and
uses it to stalk people.
It's called Girls Around Me.
And it tells you when girls have checked in near you and
gives you access to her personal information.
I get it, you having trouble meeting women.
Called me old fashioned, but I miss the good-old-days, when
stalkers had to hide out in your hallway for hours and
wait for you.
That took commitment.
Apparently this was so creepy, they had to take the app down.
Sorry predators.
Finally, this French inventor has developed a spray that
apparently gets you super drunk for under a minute.
I get it.
This is the perfect invention for our fast-paced world.
Who has time these days to take a bottle, tilt it over a
glass, and then drink it.
That could take minutes.
This is perfect for people who love to drive drunk but hate
getting caught.
You could be hammered when the cop pulls you over and sober
by the time he reaches your window.
Do you guys know any stupid stuff I can sound off on?
Of course you do.
It's the internet.
Just send me your ideas on Twitter.
Until then, try not to get too drunk cyberstalking women on
their way to a gender cake party.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Hey, did you guys watch my
blog this week Whoosh.
Pfew.
And get dating tips to use this weekend.
Whoosh.
Pfew.
Yeah.
Oh, a good tip I didn't include is, don't try to find
"the one" on the weekend.
That's good for like a Tuesday night.
Here's another tip.
Live next Wednesday, Gilbert Gottfried's doing
Gilbert Gets It live.
And Wyatt Cenac from The Daily Show will
be our special guest.
Big shows, new videos next week, 4:00 PM Eastern.
Now get out there and meet someone, oh, but not the one.
Well, unless--
[MUSIC PLAYING]