Pterodactyl - Matt& Melissa (improv comedy with an audience member) at Philadelphia Improv Festival

Uploaded by MattAndImprov on 25.11.2011

Announcer: "Ladies & gentlemen, now please welcome to the festival stage... Matt&!"
[audience cheering]
Matt Holmes: "Hey everybody!
How's everyone doing?"
Somebody in the audience: "Great, thank you! How are you doing?"
Matt: "I'm good.
Guys, my name is Matt, and I'm going to do an improv show,
which means it's all going to be made up right here on the spot.
Is there anybody here who has never seen improv before tonight?
Anybody? Raise your hands. You've never seen improv before?
Tonight is your first night? Would you come join me on stage?"
[audience cheering]
Matt: "Have a seat and make yourself comfortable.
Audience member: "Oh my God."
Matt: What's your name?" Audience member: "My name is Melissa."
Matt: "Melissa, nice to meet you. Let's give Melissa a big round of applause.
[audience applauding]
She has no idea what's going on.
The name of this show... what?"
Melissa's friend in the audience: "She's drunk."
Matt: "She's drunk, too. Awesome. This'll be fun.
The name of this show is Matt&.
So it's Matt and Melissa doing an improv show!
25ish minutes of us playing pretend."
Melissa: "Oh my God." [audience laughing]
Matt: "And what you should know is that you can do no wrong in this show.
Everything that Melissa says is right,
everything that she does is perfect,
and it's up to me to make the whole show work
and be funny and worth everybody coming out today.
So does that work for you?"
Melissa: "Sure." Matt: "You are absolved of all sins
and you are the perfect performer,
and it's all my fault ...that we're doing this."
[audience laughing] Melissa: "Okay, if we suck it's your fault."
Matt: "Yes, if we suck, it's my fault, and nobody should beat up Melissa afterwards.
You know, just give her a break.
Melissa, what brought you out to the show tonight?"
Melissa: "Um, just hanging out with friends."
Matt: "Cool, did you all just... stumble into the church?"
Melissa: "No, we found out about it on the internet."
Matt: "The internet! Whoo.
And what do you do for a living?"
Melissa: "I'm a supervisor for a corporation."
Matt: "Supervisor for a corporation.
[audience laughing] The vaguest answer I've gotten.
I work in an 'office building'?
doing... things.
What kind of corporation?"
Melissa: "I work for Independence Blue Cross."
Matt: "Independence Blue Cross, okay, so...
do you do a lot of medical... filing?"
Melissa: "No. I'm a supervisor."
Matt: "Supervising people; other people doing medical filing."
Melissa: "I delegate." Matt: "Delegation
What else is up with you that the audience should know
to get who Melissa is?
They know that I'm some weirdo who drags strangers up here."
Melissa: "I'm a nursing student." Matt: "Studying nursing? That's cool.
You're gonna be an RN, an LPN?"
Melissa: "I'm going to have my bachelor's."
Matt: "I don't know what that equates to." Melissa: "Four-year college degree."
Matt: "Okay, so you're going to be a nurse?" Melissa: "Yes."
Matt: "Let's... [audience cheering]
Doesn't get enough attention {nursing}
Cool, so what we're gonna do is improv
and you can do and say whatever you want.
Speak up, have fun, play around, and it will all be fun.
What Melissa and I need is inspiration for the show."
Audience members: "Cardboard!" "Eyebrows!" "Victory!"
Matt: "I want everybody in the audience to think hard
about what kind of word you're going to scream out at me,
and on the count of three I'll have everybody scream out words at me
until I raise my hand and pick one person to inspire this experiment.
Okay? 1, 2, 3!
[audience members all yelling at once]
So Matt& Melissa present 'Pterodactyl'
[audience applauding]
Melissa Hodgkins. Your word is pterodactyl, pterodactyl."
Melissa: "T... "
Matt: "ding!
...Jennifer Hodgkins.
[audience laughing]
Mom?! ...Mom?!"
Melissa: "Yes?" Matt: "Mom, Mom?"
Melissa: "Why are you fidgeting?
What did you do?"
Matt: "Nothing. You're always... " Melissa: "No. No, no, you...
[audience laughing]
Melissa: "What is that?"
Matt: "I just have a question. I didn't do anything wrong ...this time.
I just wanted to ask something."
Melissa: "Okay, what?
Melissa: "Today."
Matt: "Uh... how do you spell pterodactyl?"
[audience laughing]
Melissa: "In this day and age of the internet,
you can go onto the computer and look it up."
Matt: "Gawww, look it up on the computer!"
Melissa: "You have to utilize your resources."
Matt: "You love the internet!" Melissa: "It's ...handy."
Matt: "Fine.
How do I ask it if I don't know how to spell it?"
Melissa: "I didn't think of that. I'm sorry.
[audience laughing]
I would suggest going onto Google and trying your best to spell it.
I believe it begins with a 'T'.
How you doing so far?"
Matt: "I just guessed, and it says
'Did you mean Terabithia?'
[audience laughing]
Matt: "Is that how you spell it?" Melissa: "No.
This is ridiculous. How could you not know how to spell pterodactyl?"
Matt: "Do you know, Mom?!"
Melissa: "I'm not in school though. I'm past all that crap.
I'm a supervisor; I don't look up things.
I have other people do that for me." [audience applauding]
Matt: "Could you call somebody at work?" Melissa: "No! It's a Saturday morning!"
Matt: "Could you just pay somebody overtime?
Could you bring up your email? Email somebody at work?"
Melissa: "Alright, pterodactyl. I think it's T-E..."
Matt: "It's not, 'cause Google didn't say anything.
Melissa: "I don't know. I don't know how to spell it.
I'm not an English major."
Matt: "Mom! MOM! MOM!"
Melissa: "Don't do that, please. I'm begging you.
Please, it has been a really rough week, and... "
Matt: "Call somebody at work that you supervise!"
Melissa: "Why don't you call somebody? You have an iPhone."
Matt: "Fine.
I'm calling your assistant Cathy."
Melissa: "I let her go last week."
[audience laughing] Matt: "Mom! Could you rehire her?"
Melissa: "Look, find a dictionary. NO!
Let's find a dictionary."
Matt: "MOM!" [whining for a long time]
Melissa: "Please. I hate that word.
God, Stop! Please! Okay, okay. Okay! OKAY! Shhh! Quiet.
I'll call Cathy. Just relax, okay?"
Matt: "Hello?" Melissa: "Cathy?"
Matt: "Melissa!" Melissa: "Yes."
[audience laughing]
Matt: "What's wrong?" Melissa: "Major meltdown.
My son is like going nuclear right now.
Do you know how to spell pterodactyl? Because I don't know and he doesn't know."
Matt: "Wait, wait. Is everything okay at work?"
Melissa: "Yeah, everything's fine. This isn't work-related."
Matt: "Is everybody okay? Is somebody sick?"
Melissa: "No, it's Saturday. It's fine. Everything's fine."
Matt: "People get sick on Saturdays, Melissa."
Melissa: "No, obviously." [audience laughing]
Matt: "Is it about my COBRA?"
Melissa: "No, your COBRA is fine. Everything's good.
I just have a quick question. Can you just...
How do you spell pterodactyl?"
Matt: "Why? Why are you calling me, Melissa?"
Melissa: "Because! He won't stop complaining and whining.
I just don't know what else to do."
Matt: "Melissa, this has to stop."
Melissa: "What are you talking about?
Matt: "You fired me. You terminated me without cause
in the middle of the day, in a meeting."
Melissa: "I wouldn't exactly call having sex in the copy room without cause."
Matt: "You were mad about the muffins, Melissa,
and you're calling me ...fifteen months later
[audience laughing] for a spelling assignment?
Is this a joke?"
Melissa: "Can't we be friends?" Matt: "Is this a joke?"
Melissa: "No. It's not a joke. Can't you tell me?"
Matt: "This is the last time."
Melissa: "So do you know how to spell it?"
Matt: "Yes, I do."
Melissa: "alright, let's hear it."
Matt: "Are you gonna write it down? Do you want me to text you?"
Melissa: "Yes. Text me! Yes! Great." Matt: "Okay, hang up and I'll text you.
(whispering) Fucking Bitch. [audience laughing]
P-T-E-R ...
[audience laughing]
Matt: "Hey." Melissa: "Hi."
Matt: "Um... Is this a joke?" Melissa: "Is what a joke?"
Matt: "Are you... are you Kristen?" Melissa: "Yeah, I'm Kristen."
Matt: "God! You're gorgeous!" Melissa: "Oh! Thanks."
Matt: "Sorry I'm so nervous. It's just I walked in like
'Where's my date? Where's my blind date?
She's gotta be ugly. She's gotta be tall.'"
Melissa: "Well, you know. Plenty of fish. It's give or take with that."
Matt: "I just... Do you... Hi." Melissa: "Have a seat! Hi!
And you're, what was your name again?"
Matt: "Tony" Melissa: "Tony? Tony, hi."
Matt: "I just... You're amazing!
You're the most, not just the most beautiful woman I've ever been on a date with
certainly a blind date with.
You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."
Melissa: "Oh, wow, thanks."
Matt: "I mean, I know I sound like ridiculous." Melissa: "No, no, it's great."
Matt: "I know women don't like to have men fawn all over them."
Melissa: "They don't?
I don't know who you've been going out with."
Matt: "I've been going out with ugly, tall girls!"
[audience laughing]
Melissa: "So tell me about yourself. What do you do for a living?"
Matt: "I work in an office!"
Melissa: "Yeah? [audience laughing]
Can you give me a little more?"
Matt: "It's a job. [audience laughing]
Yeah, it's like a 9-to-5 job most of the time."
Melissa: "What does that mean? Most of the time?" Matt: "Sometimes it's not."
[audience laughing]
Matt: "God, your smile lights up the room."
Melissa: "Oh wow, thanks. I had my teeth bleached recently."
Matt: "I don't care. I mean I like that. I'm into it."
Melissa: "So what do you want to know about me?"
Matt: "What do you do for a living?"
Melissa: "I'm an actress."
Matt: "No wonder! The pretty and the teeth.
Have I seen you in commercials or plays or is it... "
Melissa: "Are you into pornos? That's what I'm in."
Matt: "Wow ...I am. [audience laughing]
Melissa: "Maybe you've seen my work."
Matt: "Yeah, if you're in pornos, I can't believe I haven't seen you.
Do you wear a mask?" [audience laughing]
Melissa: "My most recent one is 'Gang-Banging Grannies'."
Matt: "You were in 'Gang-Banging Grannies'?"
Melissa: "I was." Matt: "Everybody was... Are you... how old... ?"
Melissa: "I actually dressed in old-people make-up."
Matt: "Oh, it was like an Oscar make-up transformation."
Melissa: "Yes! Big-time. They put these saggy boobs."
Matt: "I had no idea that so much went into it."
Melissa: "Yeah. It was really fun actually. I had a great time."
Matt: "You're like this beautiful, talented, sexy Robert DeNiro.
Not that Robert DeNiro isn't sexy, but a girl porn-star Robert DeNiro."
Melissa: "Yeah. That's me."
Matt: "Everyone down at the where I work is going to not believe this."
[audience laughing]
Melissa: "So what do you like to do for fun?"
Matt: "Porno. Watching porno." [audience laughing]
Melissa: "Okay. Anything else, like outside of your bedroom?"
Matt: "Dates with ugly girls ...when coworkers make me.
Your hair... is that all your hair?"
Melissa: "It's acutally a weave."
Matt: "Okay. I'm cool with that! Did you bring that from work?"
Melissa: "I did, actually. Yeah, they let me keep props
and dildos and all that stuff, yeah."
Matt: "Is it ...cleaned?"
Melissa: "Does it matter?" Matt: "A little."
Matt: "That's the one thing... " Melissa: "I don't really have a preference."
Matt: "Okay, we'll get it cleaned know, after this."
Melissa: "So what are we gonna do today?"
Matt: "I thought that I would be just coming in and looking at you
and throwing up and leaving, but my plans are shot.
No, because I thought you would be ugly.
Every single other girl has been ugly.
Is this a joke? Like, has that been you every other time in make-up?"
Melissa: "Yeah. Yes, actually. We're just fucking with you.
I'm kind of into you, too. You're kind of cute."
Matt: "Are you wearing make-up now?"
Melissa: "You mean my set make-up?"
Matt: "No, like are you in disguise?" Melissa: "No. This is what I actually look like."
Matt: "Because I could not tell that any grannies were not for real."
Melissa: "Yeah, I know. The make-up was really good.
The same people who did E.T. actually did that make-up."
Matt: "Are you you right now?" Melissa: "Yeah, this is me in the flesh, all real."
Matt: "All real!?" Melissa: "All real!
I mean, not much ...I'm pretty much a boy going on right here, but... "
Matt: "It's enough! I'm into that ...not boys."
Melissa: "Okay, that's alright."
[audience applauding]
Matt: "Could you come here?" Melissa: "Do I have to get up?"
Matt: "I'd like it if you did." Melissa: "It better be worth it."
Matt: "It'll be worth it."
Melissa: "Why did you call me back here?"
Matt: "For sex."
Melissa: "There was no reason for me to walk back here."
Matt: "Well, I thought here would be cool." Melissa: "What's so cool about this?"
Matt: "We can lean against this wall and have sex."
Melissa: "Uh, no. I'd rather not."
[audience laughing, specifically one weird laugh from one guy]
Matt: "Oh yeah? Well, you're gonna."
Melissa: "What if I'm not?
Why do you keep looking over there? What's going on?"
Matt: "She's breaking... Well, we're gonna... " Melissa: "Wait! Whoa, what's going on here?"
Matt: "Tony, what should we... " Melissa: "What, Tony what? Who?
Who's Tony? ...Are you filming this?"
Matt: "Yeah." Melissa: "What?!"
Matt: "This is Hidden-Camera Porno." Melissa: "No!
You are my boyfriend and we have an apartment together.
There's no... Why are you bringing people in here to film us?"
Matt: "The whole relationship has been part of the Hidden-Camera Porno."
Melissa: "No... what?!"
Matt: "Did you not read the ad on LavaLife?" Melissa: "Ad? No, we met at Starbucks.
What are you talking about?!"
Matt: "We met at Starbucks from the ad."
Melissa: "I don't know what you're talking about!"
Matt: "The ad, 'Do you want to be in a long-term relationship
where it's secretly a Hidden-Camera Porno?'"
Melissa: "Uh, yeah, I must've missed that memo. I didn't know that."
Matt: "We've been filming." Melissa: "Oh my God."
Matt: "Like all of our sexual encounters." Melissa: "Oh my God! Is it on TV or something?"
Matt: "Yeah!" Melissa: "What?!"
Matt: "It's the new hit show on NBC. [audience laughing]
It's part of the Thursday-night line-up.
I feel so disgusted and betrayed by you."
Melissa: "Betrayed?! I didn't know what was going on!"
Matt: "I feel like a rapist now."
Melissa: "Oh my God, what am I going to tell my Mom?
Oh my God, she's gonna kill me. I'm flipping out."
Matt: "Oh, honey. You can tell me anything.
Come here. Honey, you can tell me.
You look so scared and sad.
Do you want to just watch some TV?" [audience laughing]
Melissa: "No. Don't ever turn on the TV again. Please, I beg of you.
Actually, I'm going to take the TV out of here."
Matt: "I love the telly ...vih-zurn.
I luv the Tellyveezurn! That's what they're saying on it now.
Everything's country now. Ev'r'thing's kerntree on the Tee Vee."
Melissa: "Are you getting multiple personalities?
Matt: "No, honey. I'm really into the new fall line-up.
There's a lot of people from the South being represented.
And there's this new show. I haven't been able to catch it,
so I've been TiVoing it.
It's called 'Hidden-Cam ...Relationship' [audience laughing]
I got 16 episodes. It's on every night.
Where's that remote?"
Melissa: "Wait a minute! Focus!" Matt: "Did you have something you wanted to tell?
I can watch all those episodes later."
Melissa: "I met a guy and he filmed our entire relationship.
I didn't know. I swear to God, but he filmed all our sexual encounters.
I know. Don't give me that look. I know. [audience laughing]
Please not the finger. Please. I know."
Matt: "I have a feeling if I watch this television program I'm going to be hearing that from you.
No, not the finger." [audience laughing]
[audience applauding]
Matt: "Hi. Are you new too?" Melissa: "Yes."
Matt: "What are you gonna do? What did they hire you to do?"
Melissa: "I'm actually the... supervisor."
Matt: "Oh, so you're my boss!"
Melissa: "Yeah. Do you always talk like that?" Matt: "Yeah!"
Melissa: "Yeah? Why?" Matt: "It's like, you know... "
Melissa: "Where do you come from?" Matt: "I'm from San Bernardino.
Melissa: "Oh my God! I used to live in Riverside!" Matt: "Oh my God! Riverside?!
So Great! Do you know that park?" [audience laughing]
Melissa: "No?" Matt: "It's up from the place, where the, um,
You know that bagel place!" Melissa: "Yes!"
Matt: "That they tore down?" Melissa: "Yes!"
Matt: "Sad! 18 blocks? ...up from that?"
Melissa: "Well, I didn't live in San Bernardino, so I have no idea."
Matt: "It's in between San Bernardino and Riverside,
so it's technically Santa Frina? but like..."
Melissa: "I don't think that exists." Matt: "Well, it's what they call it.
Like NoLo and SoHo
NoLibs, TriBeCa"
Melissa: "I get it. I get it." Matt: "LoLiTa, WeHo?"
Melissa: "Can you stop talking like that?" Matt: "ConDaLee"
Melissa: "If you could just focus for a second, I actually have these really important reports."
Matt: "Okay?"
Melissa: "So if you can just sit down right here." Matt: "Do I have to sit?"
Melissa: "Well, if you want to stand for the next 8 hours that's fine.
That's your prerogative."
Matt: "Prerogative?" Melissa: "Yeah, it's a word."
Matt: "I never heard that word. Spell it!"
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]