First Friday Night Live: News Bites ft Beer & Shots, Prop 203, Ground Beef Mosque Controversy


Uploaded by FirstFridayNightLive on 03.11.2010

Transcript:
Iíd like to say welcome to News Bites. Iím Ben Jamminí.
And Iím Evelyn Jimenez.
Iím sure you all want to hear the latest dope in Phoenix.
Not that dope, but the latest dope.
Well, here he is.
UhÖ
On September 6th, two men paid $2 to enter a keg party in Chandler, AZ.
Thatís pretty cheap.
Theyíll do anything to get people to go to Chandler.
When the people running the party decided
they were going to close the bash down,
the two men tried to walk out with the keg to, quote,
get their moneyís worth.
Then, the two men were fatally shot with a concealed weapon.
I bet they didnít see that coming.
Did he have a concealed weapons permit?
Although he had a permit,
the Arizona Legislature passed a bill earlier this year to allow residents
to carry concealed weapons without one.
A police spokesman stated that the shootings were in keg-defense
and the party pooper was cleared of any wrong-doing
except for throwing a lame ass party.
I thought it was supposed to be shots and then beer.
It looks like the public eye is on the spending habits of the
Maricopa County Sherriffís office once again.
This time, a key witness,
Goofy retains legal counsel as hush money runs out.
Goofy divulged that he was paid
"certain sums of money and dog food"
to keep facts concerning the MCSO's recent visit to
Disneyland concealed.
Apparently Sherriff Joeís Mouseketeers
lured goofy into the castle dungeon
and subjected him to their traditional baton ceremony.
This week News Bites is beginning a new segment,
NEWS FROM THE 23rd Century!!!!
Today the joint NASA-Exxon Energy Project,
announced they have successfully completed a
solar energy panel on the sun.
In other news, peace talks stall in the Middle East
and the president announced we are pulling troops from Iraq
and the recession may be over.
Apparently, we have a paper shortage.
AnywaysÖ
Letís see where we are at.
Apparently, that was NEWS FROM THE 23rd Century!!!
In other news, Arizona will vote on
medical marijuana this November,
and while backers of the initiative insist it's
only for serious illnesses, a look at states with
similar laws tells us otherwise.
Critics say it's not about serious illness.
They're just using people with cancer to
play on our sympathies
It's bait and switch that will effectively legalize pot.
One woman in Montana was prescribed marijuana
for wearing high heels.
Hey, Iím wearing high heels now!
Yeah you are.
However, protests against Prop 203 state that the law
would lead to addiction,
disorientation, and more deadly car wrecks
- sounds more dangerous than texting.
What kind of marijuana do these people smoke?
Every stoner I have ever met has a hard time getting
off the couch to pay the pizza guy.
The truth is, if you vote no on Prop 203,
you are probably a gun-toting bar owner
that is afraid to have some competition
for people that want to get crunk.
And if you vote yes, you are probably
a baby-boomer deadhead.
The rest of you in Arizona are way
beyond this marijuana debate.
I mean, it is totally legal to lick a
spadefoot toad, move to Sedona and
dance in a vibrant double-rainbow-oh-my-goddess vortex.
Evelyn, have you been smoking before the show?
You shouldnít do that.
There was a party before the show!
Thatís where all our papers wentÖ
Nominee for the Delaware Senate, and failed Satanist,
Christine O'Donnell ,
corrected her previous statement that scientists
have successfully used crossbreeding to
raise mice with human brains.
She states she had misunderstood her sources and that
scientists have successfully raised a
human with a mouse penis.
McDickieís, the oldest hamburger chain in Arizona,
lost itsí biggest location from a car collision
that occurred ten years ago.
The site remained vacant until the
real estate contract went up for sale.
However, protests broke out all over Phoenix
today after a group
announced plans that would build a mosque upon the site.
To comment on the implications of the
ìGroundbeef Mosque Controversyî
is cable news commentator, Glenn Speck.
Thank you, Ben
and small Mexican woman.
I am offended that Muslims would even consider
building a place of worship
anywhere in the U.S.
I think it is wrong that the same religion that fosters terrorists
would build a mosque on a great structure of American business.
Well, Glenn, a lot of people would agree with you.
Itís like, Iím sorry.
I donít like being fingerbanged
By these foreigners.
It isnít enough that terrorists force their banks,
manufacturing business models,
number system and burger joints on us,
they have to build a mosque tooÖ
Actually, terrorists donít do that.
You just described what Americans have been
doing to the world since World War II.
Well, I feel like the way those terrorists are comparing the
immigration law in Arizona to Nazis is offensiveÖ
Terrorists donít do thatÖ
thatís actually a common metaphor that has been
discussed all over the country,
and besides, you demonize more politicians using
swastikas and Nazi propaganda
on your show
than the History channel.
I feel like Obama is defecating on the Constitution
and urinating in the mouths of all the taxpayers!
Look, Mr. Speck, do you have any arguments that
donít involve xenophobia about the Mosque?
Nope thatís all I got,
thanks.
Glenn Speck, everybody.
Well folks, if you are like me, you donít understand
the economy at all.
So, to debunk this process, weíve invited The Amazing Randi.
Well, Iíve spent decades trying to protect people
who donít know any better from fake psychics and fortune-tellers
who profit off of them.
Iíve been going after some small fish.
Thereís a much larger category of fraudulent
soothsayers and entrail-readers out there who are
bilking just about everyone.
Psychiatrists?
Economists.
Economists? Why economists?
Have you any idea how much these people
get paid to tell politicans what they want to hear?
And they arenít even required to be right!
An economist whose theories never actually
work out is no different really
than the rest of them!
But how can they do that?
Look, people have been worried about money
and the economy for as long as Iíve been alive.
A predator knows that frightened people will
put up with a great deal of trouble
if they can have the illusion of control from some ìexpertî.
Economists perform a seemingly magical act of predicting
how the economy will behave,
but they bury everything they say under jargon
and hope no one catches on.
Reading an economic text is like skimming the
instructions to a complicated role playing game.
So, youíre saying nobodyís driving the bus?
Iím saying there are several parties trying to drive the bus,
in several directions at once, and they hire these
economists to explain to us
why itíll work out best if we just let them have their way.
And the ìInvisible Handî of the free market?
Never existed. But if it did, I would be giving you the finger.
I mean, it would be giving you the finger.
Wow. Thatís sounds pretty incredible.
Youíre telling me.
I canít believe I ever wasted time on Uri Geller.
These fools are playing with our lives.
Okay, Mr. Randi, weíd like to thank you forÖ
And another thing! Iím sick of hearing from self-professed
ìscientificî atheists who still havenít chucked their blind faith
in the political institutions they were molested by as children!
Oh yeah, youíve finally seen past religion, but you think another
few elections will solve your problems?
Prayer looks more effective than this!
Alright, thanks, Amazing Randi.
The Amazing Randi, everyone!
Well folks, thatís all the time we have tonight.
This is Chevy Chase,
and weíre not.
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