The Chum

Uploaded by wheezywaiter on 10.06.2007

Good afternoon complete strangers. It’s June 6th 2007.
I know what you’re thinking, and you are absolutely right. As a waiter, it’s natural
to assume that I possess the concepts of kindness, ... Amen!... cooperation, ... sing it sister!...
brilliance, ... whoo!... beauty... I agree with that one... all the traits held in high
regard by standard humans. Such as you. If one is a waiter, it is likely that they possess
these traits. Hell yeah! But it’s not always the case. There are,
after all, many different types of waiters. Today I will discuss one such waiter. That
waiter is the chum. The chum. The chum. The chum.
Dictionary dot com defines a chum as 1) a close or intimate companion or 2) cut or ground
bait dumped into the water to attract fish to the area where one is fishing. Forget about
definition two. Basically my definition of a chum is an overfriendly
waiter. The chum falls under two different subsects:
the chum jr. and the salesman. Jesus, it’s getting dark out.
The chum jr. and the salesman have different but equally annoying methods of getting better
tips. The chum jr. thinks that if he’s chummy enough, he will get the table to like him
and therefore give him more money. Places!
Hi there. Welcome to [music]. How are you doing tonight?
Doing okay. Oh, so you’re new in town, huh? What do
you think so far? Did you try out our museums? Huh?
I love the museums so much. Got any kids? How are they?
Kids are dead. Uh huh. Well. You know kids are overrated
anyways. Yeah, well. Uhh, I think you’re going to have a good time tonight. I kind
of like you. I kind of like you. The salesman, or douchebag, will be overly
descriptive and excited about certain expensive menu items – aka he will lie – thereby
running up the tip percentage so he will make more money.
Places! Hey there! How’s it going tonight, buddy?
You’re looking good. Listen… I think you should try our shiraz. It’s real good. Typical
impressions are spice, smoke, tar, blackberry, strawberry, boysenberry, eucalyptus, daisy,
sunflower. It goes well with our spicy Szechuan duck.
My kids are dead. This has been The Chum, Wheezy Waiter’s
first installment of It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad ... There Are A Bunch of Different
Types of Waiters.